by Stan Bennett

by Stan Bennett

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Haven't Got a Prayer



I haven’t prayed for years.

Oh, I’ve said the obligatory words. I still say them before the meal for the sake of my wife who doesn’t really know I’ve let go of my faith.  I say them at church, and I think of it as voicing the feelings and desires of the group. I say them in front of the troubled souls to whom I minister, on order to voice their desires and assuage their fears. 

For a while I was merely mad at god and I didn’t want to speak to him/her/it, because I thought he was trying to hurt me. 

I had a bad depressive episode several years ago where I felt my mind slipping away from myself, even as I begged for god's help. I thought demons had come to oppress me so I tried even harder for a while.  I lay prone on the floor of the church building before the cross. I even tried to speak in tongues, which was kind of pitiful and you would have felt sorry even as you laughed at me. I also begged for a miracle of healing and asked people to anoint me and lay hands on me.

And then I lost myself. I stayed a few days in the hospital. Afterward, for the better part of a year, I lied and told everyone I felt better even though I still fought suicidal impulses. 

I got a little better. I stayed a minister, hoping one day my spiritual life would return. But I didn’t trust god anymore. I had handed him my essence and he beat me to a pulp. I’ll mouth the words, but my thoughts are my own.

Still, I really thought the faith would come back to me one day if I stayed faithful and did good and right things. But the faith has slipped away even as I claimed more and more the ownership of my thoughts. And I realized that god was a product of our cultural mindset.  We invented him. 

And I dis-invented him. 

The prayers of others annoy me now. I hear someone begging for mercy like I once did and I have to shut it out.  I roll my eyes at the scolding sermons within the prayers: “Lord, help those whose faith wavers to stop doubting and truly see your good works.”

The ones that make me throw up are the “Prayer Warriors.” The ones who “stand in the gap” for the spiritual safety of their weakling spiritual sibs. The ones who boldly state that they “bind satan in the name of the lord.” The ones who think they get extra credit for screwing up their faces and ratcheting up their voices when they pray for the sick, the lost, and the democrats. 

Was it the lord’s will to become mentally ill? Some would have me think so.  I prefer to think of it as being part of the mass hysteria we find in religious communities. I got well when I took control of my own mind.

More accurately, I got better. I still have some more healing to undergo. 

3 comments:

  1. Getting away from that pack of wolves and crows will do so much good for your mind. It can't be easy being in the middle of all that. I don't know how you do it. I don't think I could. You are clearly a person of great strength!

    Ya know, just as bravery doesn't mean the absence of fear, strength doesn't mean the absence of weariness. They both mean moving forward even though you're afraid or weary. You probably know that it was realizing that prayer was useless that really started me along the path I walk today--and I bet it starts quite a few other journeys besides our own. ((you))

    (PS The mental image of the scrunched-up faces of the "PRAYER WARRIORS FOR JEEZUS" made me laugh--I know exactly what that looks like too!) -- Cas

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    1. Cas, if I were in my thirties instead of my fifties, I'd already be out the door, but I have to take care of the family. I know what you mean about being strong and weary at the same time. My counselor says I walk like I carry a backpack filled with brinks.

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    2. I'm an ex-Christian, and I too have struggled with depressive episodes. I too got better once I took control of my own mind. I realised that god is not there, god is not going to "break through" for me, god is not hiding himself from me, there is nothing I can do to find him, nor do I need to worry about finding him. And as for anyone who says they have, well, if they're happy and fulfilled, then I'm glad for them, but actually, I think they're deluded and don't know it yet.

      Just a few words, but so true. Take care, and be strong while you find your way to a better job.

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