Everything I write has to do with my identity as a minister: my blogs, newspaper articles, even a very bad novel that was about a minister (No you will not get to read it).
As I've said, I want out of the ministry. I'm tired of it. I'm sick all the time both in body and mind.
And I don't believe anymore.
I don't believe in the god of Christianity, nor of the god of the Hebrew Bible, from which Christianity sprang. I don't believe there is a hell, and I don't believe in the version of heaven that Christianity has invented--and it has been invented as well as evolved over the years.
I have worked as a professional minister all my life. It's the emphasis of my education and I've thrown myself into the work. It's how people know me, like me, hate me, admire me, speak to me--all in the context of being a minister.
I trapped myself. I'm not credentialed to do anything else although I probably have abilities to do other things. I fear I'm too tired and maybe too old to work hard enough to start something new.
Yet that is exactly what I must do. I've paid too high a cost. My marriage is troubled and my children have been harmed. It's like the life has been sucked out of all of us. I'm sick all the time.
I don't want to make just a small adjustment. I'm not looking for a easier denomination to work with or go into chaplain work.
I'm not sure what I'll do it, but if I don't change, I'll unconsciously precipitate some crisis that will expedite my leaving, and I'll be serving up burgers at the fastfood if I'm fortunate. So I'll make my change deliberately