I have a job to lead an organization that I think is unhealthy and don't think people should attend. I represent a god I don't believe in, yet I'm not quite able to completely reject the possibility of a deity. I have no friends or family I can discuss this with, including my wife and children. So everything I do feels like a lie, and the only reason I keep on is for the money (so it turns out to be true--this preacher really is in it for the money).
There are some sweet, very dependent people who idolize me because of my position, and it doesn't matter that I remind them that I'm as human as anyone else. They think I'm special, and they will feel true pain when they find out about me. It will hurt them when they hear me say, "All that stuff I used to teach? I haven't believed it in a while and I've really been trying to leave you for a long time."
I had a week off, and it was long enough for my heart to quit pounding at night, but now that I'm back, I feel the tension creeping back.
And you know what? There are even more things I can't talk about and won't talk about here.
I must change but how I do it and where I will go from here is still so goddamn murky.