You know, I've never made it into the "big time." I've been meandering from denomination to denomination, until I finally settled at this present one. Oh, I've done okay and I'm well regarded. In fact, I give a lot of advice to other ministers.
But sometimes I feel the pangs of inadequacy when I walk into a huge church building where the bulletin boards are bristling with announcements about different activities, and the furniture gleams with new wood, and the latest multimedia equipment sparkles in pride. And I'm sorry that I think about the ministers who lead those churches and wonder how in the world they got to higher places than me when their bulbs glow so dimly.
On the other hand, every time I come up the ranks a bit, I get increasingly uncomfortable, like I'm getting more entrenched into something I don't want to be in--and of course, that's exactly what my problem is. I don't want to be here.
I've wondered in the past if I'd be having this crisis of faith if I were more successful in this career, and yes, I think I would.
I've watched a lot of good ministers wash out, and others will think that is what will have happened to me. In a way they'll be right. It kind of hurts my pride. I thought I was going to do great things that would get me noticed. But at my age it may not happen. I guess I'll get over it.